I sat down in my office at the university, breathed in deeply, and sighed. I had visions of this moment. When I was laying in bed at the hospital, or at home, where the hours were endless. I pictured it in my mind. I would say to myself “Just hang on. You will get back […]
This past Thursday, I came likely as close as I ever will to meeting my donor family. I was speaking at BC Transplant about my journey through a decade of heart failure, stroke, ICD, LVAD, and waiting for my transplant. Where I had the amazing fortune of meeting a donor family member – not mine – but I tried to speak to […]
What I was going through mentally in the days following my transplant is what I have been told is a common(?) side effect from prolonged exposure to the anesthetic called delirium
How can I possibly follow my last post? What can I say, how do I say it? These are the thoughts that have been plaguing me. That is, until I realized as I wrote those two questions down that my thoughts aren’t actually about writing or posting at all.
The walls are clean, they have been painted, they have been repaired to hide the damage to that part of me that will remain broken. I wake up everyday and see the evidence of my battles, the angry red scar that runs down the middle of my chest that seems to part me into two halves. Is this is […]
Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith first. — John Kabat-Zinn You know that moment? That moment you realize that your life is going to change? Has to change? WILL change? One caveat, however, you don’t get to decide when it will happen – it will just happen. This is what it’s like waiting for a […]
Disclaimer: I was in the midst of writing this post when I got the call for my transplant! Hence the lateness of the post. Also — stay tuned for another post to come! In a world of absurdities the existential absurdity is most coherent. – Norman Mailer La bohème Wanderer. Adventurer. Vagabond. But… definitely NOT a […]
This is Jillianne. We have given her an LVAD. We usually give LVADs to patients who are unlikely to survive longer than 6 months.— Nurse speaking to a resident I will leave you with that thought for a second….. Unlikely. To. Survive. Longer. Than. Six. Months. Yep. You heard me. SIX MONTHS! Why is this […]
… you just can’t differentiate between a robot and the very best of humans.― Isaac Asimov, I, Robot I am the very best of me. But I wasn’t always this way. Lots of people have asked me lately: What is it like? What’s it like to have a mechanical heart? I really only […]
Ignoring the bad (cough. VERY bad) accent, Keanu Reaves’ character Jonathan Harkar describes his apparent state of mind while visiting Count Dracula in his castle: Doctor, you must understand, I doubted everything! Including my mind! I was impotent with fear! As though I am the bad (English?) accented Jonathan Harker speaking to my own benevolent doctor (if anyone on […]