What I was going through mentally in the days following my transplant is what I have been told is a common(?) side effect from prolonged exposure to the anesthetic called delirium:

It was trippy, Yo.

My mind was taken over by a pirate radio.

You know the one? The Boat that Rocked?

My brain was somewhere offshore from my body. My body being held hostage by the UK government while my brain was being run by a renegade American DJ playing psychedelic 60s music.

Cough.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

Cough.

To illustrate just how crazy delirious I was, I have written a few vignettes that I remember.

It\’s totally OK if you, at any point, are like \’Dude. Whaaat?\’ because I thought that while these were happening, and again while I wrote them. #SeriouslyButSeriously

I have no idea if these are in any kind of chronological order. Or if they make any kind of sense. If I was awake or if I imagined them. I tell myself now that it is likely a bit of both.

But they were all real to me and I believed them as truly as the sky is blue and chocolate is awesome. Even now, it takes cognitive effort for me to tell myself they aren\’t entirely true and I can\’t trust my memory.

This is me, as I remember it, in the initial days following my transplant.

***

I was stuck. I was laying down and I could not move with the exception of my head and if I worked myself up to it I could lift my legs a little. But the rest of me was frozen.

I was scared.

I was alone.

I did not know the people around me. I knew I was in a hospital, but I had never seen this hospital before. This one was strange and the people around me were strange.

I was scared.

I was alone.

***

There seemed to be a woman in the bed to my right? Well … the bed *could* have been a chair.

I am not sure.

But the woman had a warm hand and it was clammy. When she held my hand though, I knew I felt comforted.

I tried to turn my head to see her but she wasn\’t there, or, at least she was on the other side of what seemed like a wall that I knew was the side of my hospital bed.

I was in a foreign land but her hand gave me comfort.

I\’ll take it.

Relief.

***

Everything seemed brighter, yet hazy at the same time. It had an aura. A glow.

There were strange noises – beeps and boops.

Boo bee boo bee boop. Boo bee boo bee boop.

I tried to turn my head to the left but I could only go so far then I couldn\’t move it anymore.

There was an older man sitting in a chair to the left of my bed. He was still. But he seemed nice.

I thought I knew him.

Then a machine to the right of my bed made loud noises. A nurse with white blond hair and huge blue eyes came to check on things.

Her eyes were SO. BIG.

Jillianne? Can you squeeze my fingers? She said.

I squeezed.

She\’s not responding. Big Blue Eyes said to someone standing behind her.

Jillianne? Can you squeeze my fingers? She said again.

I squeezed.

See? She\’s not responding. Big Blue Eyes said.

Stupid nurse. I thought. I totally squeezed!

Frustrated.

Why am I at this hospital? If this even IS a hospital. Why didn\’t they take me to St. Paul\’s? They at least know what they are doing and I know people there.

I could at least get better service. I thought.

***

Hey Bean! How are you? He said.

Can you squeeze my fingers?

I sqeezed.

She did it. See? She can do it! He exclaimed.

This man. I knew this man. I KNOW I know this man. I thought.

He had dark hair, blue eyes and a familiar voice.

I felt safe.

He talked to me. He spoke about Victoria. He spoke about the university where I worked. He told the nurses that I had a Ph.D. in education. That he and I did writing together.

He spoke with such pride. I know this man.

How did this man know all of this? He is so familiar but I can\’t remember his name. Where\’s Nick? I thought.

I was a little nervous.

He MUST know me. I thought. The things he was saying…

He left. I didn\’t want him to leave. He said he would come back and see me again soon.

I was alone.

I was scared.

***

It was dark.

Nighttime I guessed. But I was wide awake. Lights from all the machines glowed with increasing intensity.

Things in the shadows started to move.

There were vines with yellow leaves and they were growing fast up the walls and across the cieling.

At least they were covering the cracks in the walls. I thought.

I was scared.

There was pink smoke eminating from behind my bed. I tried to see where it was coming from but I couldn\’t move. I felt like it was draining the life out of me. Taking my breath away. I tried to move. I tried to call out.

Why can\’t I move? I thought. What are they doing to me?

I was scared.

A woman appeared. I think she was a doctor. She was wearing a white coat and she was out to get me. I knew it. Her hair was pulled back and she spoke like she thought I was lying.

Did I speak? There was something in my mouth.

The pink smoke became thicker.

My fear grew. 

Darkness.

***

An alarm sounded. Beeping. Booping. There was a machine that reminded me of some kind of high tech juke box.

Wow. I thought. This place is definitely not St. Paul\’s. I\’ve never seen any tech like that before. St. Paul\’s is poor and run down. This place was too nice.

I moved my head around. Looking at all the poeple.

Where were my regular people? My regular nurses? Where were my doctors?

Traitors… they\’ve left me here with these amateurs.

Why didn\’t they take me to St. Paul\’s? Why am I here?

I\’ve been kidnapped. I\’m on a pirate ship. Somewhere off the Island.

***

Jillianne? Can you squeeze my fingers?

I squeezed.

Good job! Big Blue Eyes said.

Duh. Like that was hard. I thought.

Do you know where you are?

Um…

You had a heart transplant. Five days ago. She said.

What? No. I don\’t believe you. I thought. If I had a transplant Nick would be here. My parents would be here. My medical people would be here.

Where\’s Jen? Where\’s Dr. Toma? Annemarie? Carrie?

What the hell? Where were they? It wouldn\’t be like this.

I was alone.

I was scared.

***

The familiar man with the dark hair returned. I liked his blue eyes. I was relieved to see him.

I felt better.

Hi Bean! I brought your iPhone and headphones. I want to put some music on for you. He said.

Cryin\’ by Aerosmith. Blech.

No. I grunted. Shaking my head. I hate that song.

Coldplay. Paradise. Meh.

It was loud. I don\’t want to listen to music. I want to know why I am here!

No. I grunted. Shaking my head.

He seemed happy.

I felt better.

***

I was on a ship, a boat, a pirate ship? Who knows. Nothing was familiar.

I had been taken. I was being held against my will.

Oh. My. God!

Panic.

I tried to move. My arms wouldn\’t work. I could lift my legs but they felt heavy and it was really difficult.

They drugged me! Those bastards!

I heard someone say that they were there because they had a heart transplant.

Wow. I thought. That\’s amazing! I hope one day that wil be me.

It won\’t be me if nobody knows where to find me! I have to get out of here.

I was scared.

I felt hopeless.

***

Everything was red.

It was like an ocean. It swelled and moved and rolled.

I was floating.

Everything was red.

***

There was a face. She had curly hair. Glasses. She was Australian.

Jillianne? Can you hear me? Do you know who I am? She said.

My eyes widened in shock, recognition, and relief.

She knows who I am. She\’s OK. The woman said.

It was Annemarie! Is she in on this? I thought.

This must be real. I must have had my transplant! That … or I\’m seriously messed up.

I moved my head and my eyes towards the end of my bed. I saw a row of doctors. Familiar faces.

Can\’t .. quite … remember … names.

There was a man standing behind the row of doctors. Palm raised. Waving with a big grin. Curly hair.

Toma. Behind them was Toma.

Relief.

Goof. I thought. OK. The troops have arrived. Laughing on the inside.

Holy Shit! I thought. I guess I did have a heart transplant!

I this what a transplant feels like? I don\’t feel good. I feel .. just .. wrong. So … sick.

I tried to raise my right arm. Pointing to the tube in my mouth.

Annemarie looked at me. Seeming to understand what I was trying to communicate.

Can we take out the tube? Annemarie said.

Thank God. I thought. I am going to be OK.

Relief.

***

There\’s more. Much much more. But I will leave those for another time.

But, basically, it was f@cked up.

***

Physically, however, what was happening was far far worse.

Kidney failure. Liver failure. Blood pressure crashing.

I suppose that essentially my body decided it didn\’t like the idea of a complete cardiac transplant. And, well, you know I don\’t really blame it. It\’s not exactly natural to have your heart removed and replaced. I liken my body\’s reaction to giving my surgeon the big middle finger and rebelling – or something like that. I will defer to the Mad Hatter for the specifics on that one. But I think you get the picture.

However what I do know is, the 8 days following my transplant was a kind of emotional torture for my husband, my family, my friends and my medical team – whom I also consider a kind of family – through which I think has had it\’s lasting effects.

Witness my husband\’s updates from Facebook, in his own words:

***

So.

The lady beside my bed? I think it was my mom.

The older fella on the other side. Sitting. Seemed nice? My dad.

The guy with the dark hair and blue eyes who called me Bean? Nick.

All of the people I didn\’t know or trust? Cardiac Surgery Intensive Care Unit nurses. Obviously I had never met them before.

Um. Sorry I didn\’t trust you and thought you were out to get me? Cough.

My takeaway from my trip: Never was I ever alone.

But I was, delirious.