Message in a Bottle

Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any [wo]man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

Gordon Sumner (aka Sting)

Prior to my second heart transplant, I had come to be comfortable with uncertainty. At least, I thought I had. I suppose I had let go a little and left the thoughts of being medically vigilant with my team. I had started again to live my life, to settle into my new appointment at UBC, being excited about being back in Vancouver, and reinvigorated at all of the prospects of what we could to with the HeartLife Foundation.

Then it happened. My body rejected my precious heart after only 3 years and 3 months and sixteen days.

My reality shattered into a million little pieces.

My God, I thought. How could I do this to Nick again? How could this be happening? This is not real.

Life was never more real, more vivid than in that moment when the transplant cardiologist in Edmonton walked over to me in the Cath Lab and said:

Jillianne, you need another heart transplant

That devastating moment will remain with me for the rest of my life.

However, I know it is not just my moment. It is Nick’s moment. It is my team’s moment. It is Dr. Toma’s moment, because Doctors are people too

I imagine Dr. Toma at St. Paul’s Hospital on the other end of the phone line in Vancouver, listening to the Edmonton doctor explain what was happening, what the cardiac catheterization results were displaying, and that they were trying to place stents in hopes of restoring some blood flow to my dying heart.

I am sure his disbelief was as devastating as mine and Nick’s.

I can’t even imagine what he must have been thinking and feeling – and this thought along with the pain of putting my husband through another ordeal haunts me still.

I have to remember it’s OK to let myself fall. Being scared because I am in a place of vulnerability I never thought I would be in – that nobody could have predicted I would be in – is normal. Well, I suppose it is anyway.

I find myself in an ocean of uncertainty, with an island in the horizon that seems so far away.

But. Here I am. Back to Black. Back re-learning to be comfortable with uncertainty. Trying to figure out how to trust my body again. Navigating the waters of this life as best as I can.

In a previous post, I stated that I have moments where I question this life. When I wonder why I have to – why WE have to – go through what we’ve had to endure. I often write with confidence that I have found a purpose and I suppose know in many ways I have.

There is still a part of me that is drifting, searching, trying to understand what this life has to offer me I have to offer this life.

And I have learned, that it is my voice, my story – told strong and true, with emotion, passion, and purpose.

THAT is what I have to give.

I no longer ask what this life has to offer me, it’s what I HAVE TO OFFER that makes my life worth living.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya Angelou

So, selfishly, I send out – in the words of Maya Angelou – my untold stories into the world to relieve the agony inside me.

But that is not the only reason.

I also send out my stories, like messages in a bottle, in hopes that one will reach someone on a painful journey, answering their SOS, and that my story will cast some light on their own journey, even if it’s to feel less alone.

But also letting them know that love can mend your life and that they can be kept together, as I have, with hope.

Message in A Bottle

Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

Walked out this morning
Don’t believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone at being alone
A hundred billion casatways
Looking for a home

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

Sending out an SOS

Songwriters: Gordon Sumner
Message in a Bottle lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC