October Surprise

Hello October. There you are.

Wait. Oh. It’s October.

The leaves are changing. But so am I.

Every October I change. A year older.

I will be 44 this month. On the 11th.

A year wiser? In 2020 I think we all are.

My anniversary is this month.

Yesterday, as a matter of fact.

Together we laugh, are closer, and greyer.

Love runs deep like the blood in our veins.

But October brings catharsis.

And Grief. Loss. Sadness. Pain.

If not more than a little irrational guilt.

I lost my birth heart on this day.

I celebrate my donor today.

My first donor. My first saviour. My first.

Together, today we should have been 6.

Those words hurt. They bring tears.

They bring sadness and regret.

I know there is nothing I could have done.

There is nothing anyone could have done.

To save you. You are lost.

But you have left your mark.

On my body and in my mind.

There isn’t a day that I don’t think about you.

There isn’t a day I don’t love you.

There isn’t a day I don’t remember what your family did for me.

You saved my life, you transformed me.

You carried me into an unknown future full of possibility and hope.

Through suffering and pain, you brought me life, joy, and purpose.

Your gift never leaves me, and never ceases to amaze.

But the fact that you are not here

Always leaves me with

An October surprise.