I’m not going to lie. I’m scared. I have cried… Alot. But I would always let myself cry and if I carried on too long I would then hear Tom Hanks yell at me “There’s no crying in baseball!” For, you see, this is now My game, and in it I have to keep playing – and I can’t cry while playing because the end-game is still a ways off … We are probably in the 8th inning now though. #seriously
All this heart business has been going on so long (almost 9 years!) the fact is I have gotten used to the idea that my heart will forever be broken. Don’t feel sad or sorry for me – I’ve been doing quite well actually. I have achieved all my dreams, I married the love of my life who just so happens to be my best friend, I have a great job that I am passionate about, I am a very happy woman.
But now that my LVAD surgery is imminent (t-minus 5 hours….too bad no heart came in over the weekend) I am nervous and a little scared but surprisingly hopeful and optimistic.
The idea of someone opening my chest is pretty daunting and difficult to wrap my brain around. Perhaps I shouldn’t even try. Focus on the outcome – I will feel better and will be able to get stronger while I wait for transplant.
That’s a tough thing for process oriented people like teachers and professors to do though. Our training has taught us to focus on the process, the learning, that’s needed in order to get to the outcome. Ignoring ones training is hard.
You know what’s been easy though?
When I made the decision to allow myself to be scared when I needed to be, to cry when I needed to, to laugh when I could, and to let people in, it suddenly became easier to feel ready. Ready for this next chapter in my adventure … Or to keep up with the baseball analogy – to play the next inning.
So, Thankyou to all who have shared this game with me. You have made it easier to get up to bat and run the bases.
Thankyou for being my coach and kicking my ass out of the dugout so I can keep playing the game.