I’m not going to lie. I’m scared. I have cried… Alot. But I would always let myself cry and if I carried on too long I would then hear Tom Hanks yell at me “There’s no crying in baseball!” For, you see, this is now My game, and in it I have to keep playing – and I can’t cry while playing because the end-game is still a ways off … We are probably in the 8th inning now though. #seriously
All this heart business has been going on so long (almost 9 years!) the fact is I have gotten used to the idea that my heart will forever be broken. Don’t feel sad or sorry for me – I’ve been doing quite well actually. I have achieved all my dreams, I married the love of my life who just so happens to be my best friend, I have a great job that I am passionate about, I am a very happy woman.
But now that my LVAD surgery is imminent (t-minus 5 hours….too bad no heart came in over the weekend) I am nervous and a little scared but surprisingly hopeful and optimistic.
The idea of someone opening my chest is pretty daunting and difficult to wrap my brain around. Perhaps I shouldn’t even try. Focus on the outcome – I will feel better and will be able to get stronger while I wait for transplant.
That’s a tough thing for process oriented people like teachers and professors to do though. Our training has taught us to focus on the process, the learning, that’s needed in order to get to the outcome. Ignoring ones training is hard.
You know what’s been easy though?
Feeling strong.
When I made the decision to allow myself to be scared when I needed to be, to cry when I needed to, to laugh when I could, and to let people in, it suddenly became easier to feel ready. Ready for this next chapter in my adventure … Or to keep up with the baseball analogy – to play the next inning.
So, Thankyou to all who have shared this game with me. You have made it easier to get up to bat and run the bases.
Thankyou for being my coach and kicking my ass out of the dugout so I can keep playing the game.
#WorldSeriesOfHearts
March 17, 2014 @ 8:18 am
You are an amazing woman Jillianne Code. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Each day you have demonstrated patience, love, acceptance, perseverance, understanding, positivity and most of all strength. You amaze me with your strength. It’s not easy to let people in especially when we feel vulnerable and scared. I know that. But I’m so glad you did. Continue to feel — the good, bad and the in between. We are all cheering for you. I am so very proud to call you my friend. Go team Jillianne! See you on the other side Hugs and High fives.
March 17, 2014 @ 8:36 am
We’re cheering for you too – AND – we cry in baseball all the time :o)
I felt a similar fear when Aidan underwent heart surgery – I couldn’t imagine them opening his chest, and I was afraid to look at the wound afterwards. . . BUT – because they opened his chest – his heart was able to be fully corrected. The heart scar wasn’t so bad, and shows a story of survival, and a reminder of just how far modern medicine has come. For that I’m grateful.
Take good care, put on a brave face (or cry if you want to) you are in the thoughts of many and we’re all rooting for you too!
March 17, 2014 @ 4:34 pm
Continuing the baseball metaphor – your fans are rooting for you, Jill!!! You’re MVP, and sharing your story is part of that.
March 30, 2014 @ 1:00 pm
I’m late to the party…. How did it go? How are you feeing? Best of luck to you… ♡
March 30, 2014 @ 1:01 pm
I meant “FEELING”, of course….
April 10, 2014 @ 7:55 pm
We are still here, rooting for you and Nick……praying for you, sending good thoughts, and generally, just loving you, Jill…….Thank you for letting us know what is happening.
Val and Harvey Stewart
Hard to Kill | heart failure
May 6, 2014 @ 8:30 pm
[…] 17, 2014 LVAD Surgery. Scared? There’s no crying in baseball. Near death experience = 1 […]
Introducing Vlad … (the Impaler) | heart failure
June 22, 2014 @ 8:12 pm
[…] As though I am the bad (English?) accented Jonathan Harker speaking to my own benevolent doctor (if anyone on my medical team is reading this I will leave it to you to decide to which of my doctors I am referring. hmmm. My guess? Who’s most like Van Helsing… Dr. Toma? Perhaps… #jk) I can draw parallels to this fear when thinking of my own state of mind at several moments while in hospital. The fear is ever-present. It never really leaves. You just have to breathe it in and let it go. Before I figured this out though, through many of these moments, my fear could have crippled me. There was really only one moment throughout my ordeal vacation where I felt especially impotent – and this was right before my LVAD surgery as I wrote about in a previous post. […]