So much of my life seems out of my control.
This was one of the things that was hardest to come to terms with. I would wrestle with questions like: How could my body betray me like this? What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Blah blah blah.
Since the beginning of this journey over 8 years ago, my health has been on a series of plateaus and declines, so my being able to do all of the things I want to do with Nick, my friends and family has similarly changed. Since many of these activities are done after 8PM I have to either ‘save up’ my energy or decline outright, otherwise I will promptly turn into a pumpkin after a couple of hours (or as Nick lovingly calls it – I turn into a ‘mushroom’). Don’t feel bad for me – part of me actually enjoys the quiet time – Mushroom Jill has introverted tendencies. It’s a family trait.
Once I was over playing the victim – well, one is never completely over such things but you manage to realize that it feels far better to stand in the face of tragedy than be swallowed by it – I started to try and take control over areas of my life that I felt that I did have some power over. For those of you who know me, this is somewhat ironic since my PhD Thesis was on agency. I am not sure I consciously planned it that way but here we are. At first this control was entirely centered around what I understood best – how to research, how to study, how to bury myself in books. It must be some kind of karmic genius that the reason Nick and I moved to BC was for me to start my Ph.D and for him to start his a year later (did I mention I have the best, most supportive, caring husband in the world? #gush). It just so happened I got sick right at the beginning of it all. So, during all of the chaos of the diagnosis – figuring out medications, grappling with reality, not sure how to deal with the complex array of emotions etc. etc. – I turned to school. So – throwing myself into my PhD, I think, in many ways, saved my life – well, at least most of my sanity (Nick can argue this point with you offline).
Now that I am done my Ph.D. and have my faculty job, I have turned myself to more practical, wholesome pursuits. Over the past year, I have discovered something that I am sure will bring my father great joy – I like growing things! Yes, I think I just may like to garden #OfficiallyAnOldLady. I have discovered that gardening brings me a quiet sense of joy because I LOVE that I can create the conditions where a plant can grow. I have also killed plants – that’s beside the point – I can make them GROW! I have that kind of power.
Witness – the garlic I am currently growing.
Ahem. Please ignore the half dead strawberry plant on the side.
I guess the point of my story is this: Ever hear someone say “it’s the little things that count”? and how trite that saying seems? I now realize that it is so close to the truth of it all that it makes most of what many of us do on a daily basis so contrary.
#LittleThingsFTW
November 27, 2013 @ 6:32 am
Jill,
I just logged back into Twitter for the first time in ages only to find these beginning few entries in your blog. Thank you for proving my under-the-covers cell phone use to be worthwhile!
I know where your heart is, Jill. It’s right here in this blog. It may not be the world’s best pump, but it is laying it out for all to see so it can help you reach others. Like me.
I cannot register to be a donor. The gods that make the rules say organs from people with multiple sclerosis are diseased. Even though they don’t know what causes MS and my organs are indistinguishable from donor-friendly organs. I don’t know, but if someone needs an organ transplant and the fastest one available was an organ from someone with MS, it might be worth a heretofore unknown risk to just take it. After all, my organs are doing just fine *despite* me having a chronic illness. Who knows, they could be BETTER organs because of my MS! The gods won’t even let me donate blood!
But I can — and will — take this message from your heart and spread it in my corner of the world.
From my heart to yours,
Sandra xo
December 3, 2013 @ 1:30 pm
Sandra,
Thank you for your thoughts. They mean more to me that I think you know.
Since I met you right after I was first diagnosed (for those of whom are reading this was in our PhD program) and I must say that it was you who helped inspire me to keep going. You were always open and honest about your condition and how you were feeling. All while having the drive and perseverance to move ahead with your studies. This had a tremendous impact on me – especially when I was down. I would just think “Look at Sandra, she struggles too but she is strong, and amazing. I can do this.”
I don’t know about all of the organ donation rules but am VERY glad that despite MS you are doing well. Me too! Despite my heartfailure I am otherwise healthy! ;0)
xoxox
J
December 3, 2013 @ 9:24 am
I think I killed off that strawberry plant, didn’t I? Oops!
The big raised garden bed in my backyard is all yours to plan and play with. I’m glad you’re enjoying gardening. Life is about the little things. Remember to prioritize taking in pleasure. A lesson we could all do better on.
December 3, 2013 @ 1:31 pm
LOL. I fixed the one you killed 😉 This one I managed on my own. Hahaha…